Falling to pieces at Xmas

When you feel you are finally getting out of the darkness or that even when you face dark moments, you can go beyond them and find peace and light in just being yourself, pain bounces back cracking the wound which you thought was already healing.  Here I am, once again falling to pieces.

Thoughts
It looks like if you grow too much, if you think too much, an army of ghostly bodies will try to empty your heart and mind until no traces are left of the original soul, which lives beyond your shadows.
From the book ‘Pieces’
Soledad Lorena

I’ve been busy building, designing, crossing, knitting and writing bridges.  I’ve been even helping people to work with their own bridges.

I’ve gone through a very deep and intense healing journey to bless all the wounds and to leave the past where it is.  Living in the moment, being present and trying not to worry about the future, has been my personal lesson this year.

But you know, every time there is a blast of anger, words and resentment; I realize my children still dwell in the past.  Their own wounds keep them broken, so broken and so damaged that they cannot but hurt other people and themselves.

For every bridge I have repaired and mended, they have grown so distant or maybe it’s me; walking into the light far away from remorse and guilt has kept me so distant from the people I love the most: my own children.

Their hearts are so close and full of anger and pain; they are so far away from God, their own soul and the Holy Spirit, that we do not talk the same language any more. The bonds and bridges among them are also broken and when crossed, they are only used for times of war.

As a mother, on this Holy day of Christmas, I ask myself: how can I be happy or even fill my heart with joy when my own children are so hurt and so broken that my heart is in pain?  Few friends know the story, the nest was destroyed too son, this family was broken long ago and since then, we have survived trying to do as if everything was ok, trying not to miss each other, trying not to ask for a moment of love and joy.

I know, if they are in their thirties I can do nothing but pray and let them live their choices.  If I get closer, toxic relations bring me down and seem to be useless because we live in different worlds and dimensions.  If I keep distance, then they can come shouting and swearing for whatever tiny thorn is bothering them.

My hands are tied and that makes me feel helpless and useless.  They do not want help; they do not even believe they need it.

When you are a single mother and you have raised them on your own, they tend to blame you for everything, it is not the missing parent who did nothing, but the mother who was always there making all the decisions and choices, for better or worse.

Coming to my place, spending a moment of peace, surrounded with good energies and beauty seems to stir their most negative emotions and behaviours.

For some reason, the lighter the place, the stronger I feel, the healthier my heart looks and the sole look of tended gardens and mended bridges; the deeper the darkness in them which comes out as poisonous words and aggressive manners.

I cannot dwell in the past any more, I no longer wallow in my wounds and I am not willing to wallow in their pain either.

It is said that when we become mothers pieces of our hearts live outside us, walking around and making us feel their paces, we breathe what they breathe and whatever hurts them hurts us the most.

A warrior of light learns to walk away from parents, brothers and friends;  a warrior of light feels at ease walking along the less travelled path, a warrior of light gives away her own colours to knit perfect wings for her children and remains empty and colourless for years, a warrior of light learns about loneliness and solitude;  a warrior of light has not country, town, home or even a planet.

But setting boundaries with your own children can be the most challenging lesson.

Let go.
Let God.
Only God knows.
Susannah
December 25th, 2017 

Manifiesto de una emprendedora

• Me gusta ayudar y colaborar para que otras personas aprendan, pero enseñar también es mi trabajo y aprender es tu tarea.
• Si paso muchas horas haciendo trabajo gratuito para otras personas, luego no tengo energías ni tiempo para enfocarme en mis propios proyectos.
• Todo lo que uno no sabe hacer se puede aprender, te lo dice alguien que aprendió casi todo de oficio y por necesidad.  
• Si no sabes hacer algo busca quién lo haga, pero paga por un buen servicio.
• Que yo sepa  hacer muchas cosas, tenga múltiples talentos y me ‘de maña’ con todo, no te da derecho a exigir que yo te ayude con tus cosas sólo como favor.
• Si elijo ayudar como favor o como un empujón inicial a alguien que recién comienza con un proyecto o actividad, tengo derecho a dejar de hacerlo cuando crea que ya puedes hacerlo tú mismo o estás en condiciones de pagar por mis servicios.  Pero mi ayuda, es bajo mis términos y condiciones.  No puedes imponer condiciones sobre algo que recibes como regalo.
• Los mejores clientes no suelen ser los más adinerados, sino las personas que valoran el tiempo, el trabajo, la dedicación y la capacidad de la otra persona.
• El valor de mi trabajo no está dado solamente por lo que recibes en forma visible:  hay mucho tiempo y dedicación para preparar una hora de clase, buscar material, estudiar y actualizar mi conocimientos;  disponer mi espíritu y los recursos necesarios para una sesión de terapias holísticas; escribir, editar, diseñar y crear un libro artesanal o pasar horas frente a la computadora para lograr un buen contenido para las redes sociales.
• El profesionalismo, la seriedad, la responsabilidad, el arte, la sensibilidad y el tiempo que uno dedica al trabajo que ofrece son parte del valor agregado.
• A todos nos gusta que alguien nos haga la vida más fácil, bonita y llevadera.  Intenta cambiar de rol de vez en cuando.
• Las rotiserías, las panaderías, los sacerdotes, las peluquerías y la mayoría de los servicios eligen un día a la semana para no atender.  Es saludable, permite el espacio y el tiempo para no hacer nada, descansar y renovarse.  Ninguna persona que está disponible 24/7 puede dar lo mejor de sí misma todo el tiempo.
• Si soy bilingüe y tengo facilidad para interpretar canciones, entender las películas o pensar en inglés todo el tiempo, no es equivalente de que tenga que andar por la vida traduciendo para quienes no pueden hacerlo.  A veces tengo ganas y lo hago porque sí; otras veces no tengo ganas de trabajar siempre gratis.
• Por cada media hora de un buen trabajo de diseño y contenido usando la tecnología que muchos tienen y no saben manejar, hay muchos años de experiencia, estudio y sobe todo muchas horas de practicar, equivocarse, no dormir y aprender.
• Por cada hora de clase, sesión o consulta, tienes que sumar una hora de preparar el material, los recursos, los audios y el ambiente; es probable que debamos sumar media hora para limpiar, ordenar y preparar el espacio físico.
• Los emprendedores somos todo en uno: profesional, recepcionista, servicio de limpieza, compras y proveedores, relaciones públicas, asesor, trámites, cadete, atención al público, mantenimiento y servicio de quejas.
• Si atiendo en mi casa, todo lo que tengo es lo que hay, ofrezco todo lo mejor que tengo y espero lo cuides y lo recibas del mismo modo que lo comparto contigo.  Si te recibo en mi casa, estoy creando un espacio de confianza mutuo para que ambos podamos trabajar cómodamente.
• Me han ayudado mucho en la vida y estoy más que agradecida, por eso también me gusta ayudar.  Pero una cosa es la necesidad y otra es el abuso.  No me gusta ayudar a quien no tiene ganas de hacer algo y  considera demasiado caro mi servicio.  Sí me gusta ayudar a quien realmente no puede hacer algo pero tiene ganas de aprender y me encanta ayudar a quien valora lo que hago pero no puede pagarlo momentáneamente.  En realidad, quien no puede pagarlo, buscará el modo de hacerlo y por eso, en muchos casos, acepto el canje como forma de pago.
• Como madre casi soltera de mis tres hijos (divorciada sin aportes de cuota alimentaria), mi carrera profesional ha significado mucho más que horas de estudio, trabajo, capacitación, viaje, experiencia y desafíos: tantas aptitudes, talentos y conocimientos costaron el precio de muchas horas lejos de casa y de mis hijos, horas, días y semanas en los que me privé del simple placer de jugar con mis niños.
• Mi lema es: todo se puede.  Y lo que no se puede, al menos, se intenta poniendo lo mejor de sí, jugando al todo o nada.
• Durante varios años padecí el sentirme desempleada, desocupada y fuera del sistema.  Este año que ya casi termina, significó la decisión de disfrutar ser una Emprendedora, que siempre lo he sido. 
• Porque soy emprendedora, artesana, escritora y mujer sensible, cuido cada detalle, y dentro de mis posibilidades, brindo lo mejor que soy, tengo y puedo darte.

A quienes comprenden sin tener que explicarles, gracias, me siento honrada.
A quienes buscan algo diferente, mis mejores deseos y bendiciones en su camino.
A quienes merecen una explicación, los puentes están siempre tendidos y transitables.
A quienes valoran mi trabajo y mi dedicación, y me agasajan con pequeños detalles y a veces grandes regalos, que el universo duplique todo lo que dan para que vivan siempre en prosperidad y abundancia.
Susannah 
Susana Lorenzo
Soledad Lorena

5.12.17

Building Bridges / Construyendo puentes

Eng/Esp

2017 started rough.  When I got my scholarship at B-School, I knew I had to merge all my talents and gifts, but I was not sure how.  If you are big-hearted, sensitive and gifted, it’s hard to make a living by working on different small business which do not relate at all.  There’s a need to be coherent and to be loyal to my higher self. 

When I built my website, which needs to be redesigned, I included the phrase ‘Words & Bridges’.  I was sure I wanted to build bridges and help people build their own ones with a very good use of language (creative writing, translating, editing, teaching, etc.).  Yet, holistic therapies did not seem to match with language services.

It took me about seven months (without counting my previous 52 years on this planet) to realize that the answer and the key had already been written by me: bridges.

El 2017 comenzó como una pesadilla, una maestría en pruebas que el universo se empeñó en perfeccionar para mi evolución y superación de aquello que no había aprobado con  las mejores notas.  Cuando obtuve mi beca en B-School, sabía que tenía que fusionar todos mis dones y talentos, pero no tenía muy claro cómo debía hacerlo.  Cuando se tiene un gran corazón, se es sensible y se viene con ciertos dones, es difícil ganarse la vida trabajando en pequeñas ocupaciones que no se relacionan, generando además una dispersión de energía que produce agobio en mí, y confusión en las otras personas.  Muchos nombres.  Muchos roles.  Un universo con coordenadas difíciles de interpretar.

Cuando diseñé mi página web, que necesita ser re-diseñada, incluí la frase ‘Palabras & Puentes’.  Estaba segura de querer construir puentes y ayudar a las personas a construir los suyos con un buen uso de las palabras (redacción creativa, traducción, enseñanza de idiomas, edición, etc.).  Aún así, las terapias holísticas no parecían tener relación con mis servicios lingüísticos o literarios.

Me llevó alrededor de siete meses (sin contar los 52 años que llevo en este planeta) darme cuenta que la respuesta y la clave ya había sido escrita por mí: puentes.

Simbología del Puente
Según Guénon, literalmente, el Pontifex romano era un “constructor del puente”, es decir, de aquello que media entre dos mundos separados.  San Bernardo dice que el pontífice, como lo indica la etimología de su nombre, es una especie de puente entre Dios y el hombre.  Por esta razón, el arco iris es un símbolo natural del pontificado.
En Israel era la señal de alianza entre el Creador y sus pueblos.  En China, el signo de unión del cielo y de la tierra.  En Grecia, es Iris, el mensaje de las deidades.  En multitud de pueblos es el puente que liga lo sensible y lo suprasensible.  Sin este significado místico, el puente simboliza siempre el traspaso de un estado a otro, el cambio o el anhelo de cambio.  Como decimos, el paso del puente es la transición de un estado a otro, en diversos niveles (épocas de la vida, estados del ser), pero la “otra orilla”, por definición, es la muerte.
Fuente: Diccionario de Símbolos – Juan Eduardo Cirlot

Releyendo la simbología del puente, entiendo que el arco iris, la alquimia, la comunicación entre diferentes dimensiones, mundos, personas, ciudades, culturas y entre los diferentes planos de nuestro propio ser, están todos relacionados por la misma magia, por el signo de la evolución y el cambio constante, por la capacidad de transitar las diferentes épocas con la mejor sabiduría.

After Reading again about the symbolism of bridges, I could understand that alchemy, communication between different dimensions, worlds, people, cities, cultures and the different energy centres of our own being; they are all related by the same magic, by the sign of evolution and constant change, by the wisdom to go from one stage to the other without discomfort or pain.

More than physical structure, the image of a bridge mythically symbolizes the pathway to paradise. It is a transition or movement to a better place. The transition over the bridge symbolizes what has been referred to in Mythology 210 as “paradise found” or “the return.” It is the final stage of myths and the ending of the journey.
There are several aspects in the transition to paradise that the bridge embodies. The first is the crossing of the bridge itself, often a test or challenge of worthiness. The nature of the actual bridge may test the soul. Those who are evil or fail the tests fall into darkness or hell while the good move safely to heaven.

You can read more about the symbolism of bridges on this blog.

People have been asking about my holistic centre, which seems to exist on the ethereal plane.  Today, I’ve seen it too.  I already know the name: Bridges.

Hace un tiempo, las personas preguntan por mi centro holístico, es como si existiera en el plano etérico.  Recién hoy, he podido verlo también.  Ahora ya sé su nombre: Puentes.

Creer para ver.

Susana
Susannah Lorenzo
Meherdeep Kaur
Soledad Lorena

My journey with B-School

This is not a five-figure business yet, sometimes, it is not even a four-figure one.  But it feels like I’ve lived a decade in only seven months and a lot has changed inside me.

For me, 2017 started with a heavy baggage of negative beliefs, empty fridge and pocket, no savings, no prospects and deep suicidal thoughts.

It was when I was in the midst of that emotional desert that I heard about Marie Forleo and her free 3-video training.  I decided to watch the videos and learn something from them, I was going insane and I thought they would keep my mind busy with something useful.  They did not only help me stay afloat (mentally speaking) but they inspired me and encouraged me to do things I had never done.

My family was helping me with some money which was enough to pay the rent and internet.  Internet was the only resource, apart from my skills.  By the end of the second video, I had already designed my first website and I felt brave enough to make a fan page on Facebook with my gifts related to holistic therapies.  Finding a tribe of big-hearted multi-talented muffins was a blessing.  I got busy reading, studying and doing.

Most 2017 B-Schoolers know my story: when I applied for the scholarship, it was not because I thought I could have a chance, but because I needed to step out of my comfort zone and record a video with my basic mobile.  I was bold and brave.  I uploaded the video on YouTube and when I was about to delete it, I got to know I was one of the lucky scholars.

I have to admit that I came to a standstill with B-School on April 11th, after completing module 3.  It was not because I was tired or because I was not interested any more.  I will resume and catch up with B-School; you know, there is no behind.  I had to stop because there was a lot going on inside and outside.  B-School is not only about learning how to make a 5-figure business but about how to become a better person in the process and how to discover the hidden layers of yourself and giving your gifts a voice.  It’s all about being coherent and consistent.  

When I started B-School, I was sure (at least I believed that) I wanted to focus on Language Services: writing, translating, proofreading, editing and teaching.  My holistic centre was a long term dream, something quietly hiding in the background, being left for the free time as non profitable talents/gifts.  The thing is, B-School actually helped me unfold myself, it helped me realize that if I wanted to help people build bridges with words, I had to build or improve the bridges between my soul, my mind, my heart and my body.  

During the first stage (The Follow Through Formula, some videos from the Copy Cure, Start the Right Business and Modules 1 to 3), I started doing before being ready; I met awesome people on line; I changed the way I connected to people; I changed the way I posted on social media; I made all my gifts and talents visible.  I gave up being obsessed by the result and how much money I would make and I started doing things from the heart and enjoying the process.

Let Go.  Let God.

I ended up taking my decks of cards, just for fun, to a flea market where I was trying to sell my handcrafted books and some crochet facial towels.  Guess what?  I ended up doing lots of holistic tarot  readings  and not selling a single book or CD.  I did sell a crochet towel.  So, what was the universe trying to tell me?  I was clueless.

There were too many muffins, too many names and I could not make them merge and fit so that I could upgrade my website and tell the world who I am.  What did the holistic therapist have to do with the creative writer and the interpreter?  I couldn’t figure it out then, that’s why I came to a standstill.
You know, everything is figureoutable,  as Marie says.

Now, I know: Communication is the essence of everything.  Words and bridges make communication successful, not only when writing, reading or translating but when reading the cards or running a holistic workshop.  

My soul knew it when I made that poor video to apply for the scholarship at B-School: My mission is to help people build bridges.  There are many different types of bridges, the ones you can see and the ones you can feel.  Some people need bridges to improve their relationships, some others need to learn how to use words to improve their business, other people need to find new methods of learning a second language, some other people need to build a bridge between their souls, hearts and minds so that they can discover their gifts.

Bonus:  I am no longer looking for a job or looking at ads.  I no longer call myself ‘unemployed’.  I am an entrepreneur and I run my own business.

What I have gained

• I have made friends and found soul sisters.
• I have become bold, brave, fearless, fancy, sassy and incredibly awesome.
• I have done a lot of free work which has helped me improve my skills and let people (and myself) know that I’m capable of doing.
• I have received amazing gifts: from a webcam to healing sessions.
• Confidence.  Insight. Experience. Knowledge.  Encouragement. 

What I have learnt

• To work on my weak spots: lack of confidence, lack of clarity, lack of consistency.
• To improve the quality of content.
• To show people how I can make a difference.
• To share my gifts without feeling shame.
• To be vulnerable without regret.
• To receive without feeling unworthy or guilty.
• To do even if I am not ready.
• To keep going.
• To say No.
• To say Yes.
• To ask for help.
• To let go and let God.
• To put myself out there.
• To offer my services.
• To work on my sweet spot.  I discovered there was no sweet spot between my UAP and my ICA.
• To be gentle to myself.
• Not to be ashamed.
• To put myself in the way of beauty.
• To make a smart use of SEO and to improve my key words.

What I have done

• I connected to people with surveys and I was not afraid of asking questions about what my website or my products look like.
• I designed my website.  I improved it a couple of times.
• I launched my newsletter and started with my mailing list.
• I have organized contests, raffles and draws to giveaway and share what I do: handcrafted books and CDs, crochet and holistic tarot readings.
• I organized a secret pal gift exchange with some B-Schoolers.
• I interviewed people on line who were not my clients.
• I am already exchanging services with other local entrepreneurs.
• I created my channel on YouTube.  I regularly upload my own videos, related to my skills, services or talents.
• I have designed my first holistic workshop (Words & Bridges) which I will be running in a few weeks.
• I have my first student on line.  He’s been learning English for 3 months and he plans to continue with the lessons even after travelling on business to USA.
• I have improved the service for one English student who works in the south of our country and he only comes three times a month.  Now, it’s a combined service, on line tutoring and private lessons when he is around.
• I have posted ads and I’ve been very active on social media regarding holistic tarot, so I do readings quite often. ( I have printed my own fancy business cards as a holistic therapist.)
• I’m working as virtual assistant (free) for two of my children.  I manage social media and produce content for their fan pages.  The videos and posts on my son’s fan page have been shared and liked by many people all over the country.
• I have stepped out and jumped off my comfort zone many times.
• I have created a lot of free content.
• I have undergone deep healing processes.
• I am doing research on new healing techniques.
• A new deck of cards is now in my purse.  I felt the calling and I got a new one.  So, at first I had Angels Cards and Susannah’s Tarot; now I also have Egyptian Tarot.
• I’ve invested some money and I sell incense sticks.
• I designed a brand new logo and shared its meaning and symbolism on social media.  It’s a logo for all my talents, passions and gifts.

What I still have to do

• To improve sleeping habits.  (I have, to some extent but I lose the pace easily.)
• To schedule walking or exercise routine according to my health issues.
• To work on my 2019 journal.
• To improve my habits and work on my rituals.
• To work on my strategy canvas.
• To redesign and rebuild my website.
• To give my sleeping beauty a kiss: my newsletter has been asleep for too long.
• To grow my mailing list.
• To go back to B-School and go through the first stage so that I am fresh and clear to work on Module 4.
• To relax more.
• To enjoy more.
• To feel at ease with this new me.
• To revisit the sacred temple of friendship with my soul sisters.
• To ask for some professional photos for my website and fan pages.

Special thanks to:

• Marie Forleo and her team for believing in me, for seeing something I could not see.
• Barbarba Sianesi, for her friendship, support, gifts and for introducing me to the journey and holding space for me.
• Viridiana Perez Frias, for her friendship, support, accountability, gifts and for being actively connected to my fan pages and website.
• Viviana Cerrutti, for her friendship, support, accountability and advice.  I was able to make many changes thanks to her experience and coaching.
• All the kind and awesome B-Schoolers who keep in touch and inspire me with their posts and work.

Susannah Lorenzo
August 3, 2017

San Juan

Argentina

Celebrando

Estaba ordenando archivos y encontré esta foto de septiembre del 2014.  Fue un año bisagra, no sólo porque cumplí 50, sino porque meses antes mi salud colapsó y mi cuerpo dijo basta para muchas cosas que debieran ser normales a mi edad.

Más allá del malestar físico, fue una crisis emocional, luchando por aceptar, entender y justificar lo inevitable; aprendiendo a aceptar que todo está fuera de nuestro control y hay que hacer las paces con eso.

Por eso y a pesar de eso, decidí festejar mi cumpleaños 50 in red, con la ayuda de gente bella, amigas incondicionales y el aporte solidario de alumnas, compañeras, clientas y amigas.

Fue una celebración cuidada en cada detalle, con regalos para mí y para mis invitadas, una tarde de té donde cada una cumplió con la consigna de usar algo rojo.

Ya casi empieza agosto y eso quiere decir que falta poco para mi cumpleaños 53.
Físicamente poco ha cambiado, los problemas de salud no han empeorado, pero no han mejorado (aún).

Con mi cuerpo aún estamos haciendo las paces, trabajando en el amor propio y la aceptación de lo que no se puede hacer, disfrutando lo que sí se puede.

De todas las fotos de esa tarde, elegí ésta: porque representa la mesa servida y ornamentada para recibir siempre con el corazónn abierto, porque muestra los detalles que me gusta cuidar (I am a woman who cares.), porque está vestida de rojo, como el color que me animé a usar después de tantas décadas (y que he dejado de usar a menudo, desde que volví a San Juan, no he vuelto a usar mis tacones rojos); porque me recuerda que siempre se puede celebrar, porque me devuelve la esperanza en la amistad, la generosidad y la buena voluntad.

Susie
Casi 53
Casi septiembre

About discouragement and freedom

I was curled up in physical pain and discomfort when I got an email from Marie Forleo sharing one of her inspiring videos and the text started like this:

"Have you ever felt discouraged, disheartened or even depressed by the turmoil and uncertainty that surrounds you?When we’re engulfed in circumstances that feel beyond our control, finding the strength and courage to keep going isn’t always easy. Understandably, we can feel helpless and alone."

As I breathed in, trying to feel better, I could not help writing these words in my mind.
When we are feeling discouraged and helpless, I think we all share the same feeling around the world: we crave for freedom.

An architect in Iraq feels discouraged because what she creates might be destroyed by war.
A poet feels invisible after writing a beautiful book which nobody wants to buy.
A child feels unmothered because her mother does not accept her sensitive and creative soul.
A teacher feels helpless because clients come asking for miracle pills or stunning diplomas, they are not willing to learn.
A woman in her fifties feels hopeless in spite of her talents and gifts because people out there want to hire young beautiful ladies who are already successful.

As an artist, as a passionate teacher, as a talented interpreter or as a creative writer; I always give my best.  It’s the pleasure of having an image in my head or a feeling in my heart and being able to translate it into words.  It’s the satisfaction of finding endless ways of teaching something to somebody who cannot understand a foreign language.  It’s the contentment to create a new recipe in the kitchen and prepare a delicious meal even when there are not enough ingredients.  It’s the pride of doing an oracle reading for free and knowing that the person who received it had an insight with our words.
Nevertheless, we cannot control what people do with our creations or work, we cannot control what people feel about it and we cannot even control if we will be here to see if people enjoy them as much as we do.

Unfortunately, we do not live in a bubble of art, creativity, wisdom and enlightenment. We have to pay our bills, make a living and survive in a jungle of people who are far from sensitive.

If we are broke and cannot choose what food to buy or when to eat; if we have health issues or some chronic disease and we cannot choose how to move our body or our physical condition determines our routine; if we are hiding in a corner afraid of what might happen outside; if we are deprived from simple things which seem so normal to the rest of the world; we are not free, we are prisoners of our circumstances.

We all crave for freedom.  We all need to feel free to do what we need or want.

And then, there is another feeling we all share: hope.  It is "hope of deliverance from the darkness that surrounds us" (Paul Mc Cartney) which helps us try one step at a time, just for today.


2017 started with a lot of scarcity for me.  Summer seemed to be winter and surviving on ‘God shall provide’ and energy saving mode made me feel defeated.  In spite of being broke and blocked, I applied for a scholarship at B-School and I got it.  It has kept my mind busy and it has led me to meet awesome people from different parts of the world. 

Studying at B-School helps me feel hope: hope that I may set myself free from my financial situation; hope that I may be successful in spite of my health issues; hope that I may not feel so lonely because there are other women who can support me in this tribe.

I must admit, I am not 100% sure I will succeed.  When I have to spend 50% of my day in bed in order to feel better; when I have no money and I am tired of trying different ways out and only finding myself in the same dead end; when the landlord wants his money and I have no idea how I will get it; when the tons of issues to solve are a lot heavier than the solutions I can find; then I feel discouraged and I want to give up.

But, there is a moment when I get an email like this morning, with a link to an inspiring video, or an email from one of new friends, or I get an unexpected gift, or I am able to write something beautiful in spite of the darkness; and then hope prevails and that spot of light just makes sense for today.

Susannah Lorenzo ©
April 4, 2017

Invisible

Can every person be saved or rescued? Can every person be healed or fixed?
¿Se puede salvar o rescatar a todas las personas? ¿Se puede sanar o reparar a todas las personas?

It's not always about attitude, will, power and prayers.
No se trata siempre de actitudes, voluntad, poder y plegarias.

There are people who have never had a break. There are people who came to the wrong place, at the wrong time and with the wrong set of skills.
Hay personas que jamás tuvieron un respiro, que nacieron rotas. Hay personas que llegaron al lugar equivocado, en el momento equivocado y con las aptitudes inadecuadas.

There are people who try hard, very hard. There are people who want to save themselves and when that is not possible they ask for help. There are people who are brave enough to look at their wounds so that they can be healed from inside out.
Hay personas que realmente se esfuerzan. Hay personas que quieren salvarse y cuando eso es imposible, piden ayuda. Hay personas que son tan valientes que miran de cerca sus heridas para poder sanarse desde dentro hacia afuera.

Nevertheless, you cannot choose when or how to die, you cannot choose when a terrorist will shoot by your side, you cannot choose when a drunk driver will hit an innocent child, you cannot choose what people will think about your age and talents when you are looking for a job.
Sin embargo, no puedes elegir cuando o como morir, no puedes elegir cuando un terrorista dispará justo a tu lado, no puedes elegir cuando un conductor ebrio atropelle a un niño inocente, no puedes elegir lo que la gente pensará sobre tu edad y tus talentos, cuando estás buscando un trabajo.

When something is so wrong from the very beginning, when you were never taught to love yourself, when you were discouraged every step of the way, when you were mocked at for being sensitive, creative and big hearted, when there is not one thing which goes well in your life, then it's not enough.
Cuando algo está tan averiado desde el principio, cuando alguien nace estrellado, cuando nadie te ha enseñado a amarte, cuando te desalentaron en cada paso del camino, cuando se burlaron porque eres sensible, creativa y de gran corazón, cuando no hay una sola cosa que esté bien en tu vida; entonces, no es suficiente.

Don't tell me it is enough. Don't tell me that if I pray and meditate every day, all my reality will change, because I have tried for a long while. Don't tell me only attitude matters, unless you are brave enough to come and live this life, for at least a month.
No me digas que es suficiente. No me digas que si rezo y medito todos los días, toda mi realidad va a cambiar, porque ya lo he intentado durante mucho tiempo. No me digas que sólo la actitud importa, a menos que seas lo suficientemente valiente para venir a vivir esta vida, durante al menos un mes.

BTW, I am not in the mood for being that hologram keeping others happy, I am just tired of being the perfect picture on the night table at somebody else's house, as if being alive were enough.
Por cierto, no estoy de ánimo para ser ese holograma que mantiene a otros felices, simplemente estoy cansada de ser el retrato perfecto en la mesita de luz de otras personas, como si con estar viva les alcanzara o fuera suficiente.

I am not happy.
This is not my dream.
I am done with surviving.

Susie at a dead end
Still unable to bring prosperity and abundance to my life.
Empty fridge, empty pocket, empty schedule, no hug, no comfort, just silence.
No knocking at the door, no phone calls, no emails asking for services or buying handcrafted books.

The wall, when I saw this movie I could not but relate to the character.  I am surrounded by glass walls and there is nobody trying to reach me.

I, Daniel Blake, esta película muestra mi pasado y mi presente.  Una madre soltera con hijos que alimentar y sin trabajo, un desempleado con problemas de salud que no califican para asistencia del gobierno.Hay un punto ciego en donde una persona no puede jubilarse, y aunque quiere trabajar dignamente, está fuera del sistema.

Unemployed and faking normal, this article shows how women live or survive when they have no income and they are all on their own.

Extranjera entre mi gente

Las redes (FB, blog) se han vuelto mi bitácora de viaje, mi antídoto contra la soledad, mi vacuna contra la locura.

Pueden pasar días, semanas enteras y hasta meses en que no hablo con nadie, a menos que sea lo estrictamente necesario si voy a comprar algo y tengo algún alumno particular.  Si estoy sin trabajo, entonces no hablo con nadie.

Cuando decidí volver a San Juan (mi ciudad natal) hace un año y medio ya, lo hice porque los alquileres estaban más baratos que en Malargüe (Mendoza), y porque pensé que en una ciudad grande habrían más posibilidades de conseguir trabajo.  En lo profundo de mi corazón, tenía la esperanza que con dos hijos aquí, gran parte de mi familia (primos y tíos) y algunas viejas amigas, todo podría ser más fácil.

Creo que me equivoqué en muchas cosas.  Nunca me he sentido tan sola.  Es esa soledad que te lastima porque en realidad mucha gente te conoce y dicen quererte bien y dicen desearte lo mejor.

En este momento, si pudiera, embalaría todo nuevamente y me mudaría a una ciudad donde pudiera ser una completa desconocida, entonces, no me dolería pasar semanas y meses en completo ostracismo.  Quizá debería mudarme a un pueblo pequeño, donde pudiera vivir de mis dones.

Por supuesto, que si tuviera dinero y buen trabajo, y aceptara invitaciones para tomar algo o salir a comer, y pudiera hacer vida social, entonces, toda esa gente estaría 'conectada' y 'presente'.

Cuando las cosas van muy mal, cuando no tienes trabajo, cuando no puedes pagar una salida, cuando no puedes frecuentar los sitios donde todos van, cuando no puedes invitar a nadie a comer, porque ni siquiera tú tienes para comer; te vuelves una persona que todos evitan.  Como si se tratara de una enfermedad contagiosa, todos se alejan y si te hablan, quieren evitar la respuesta cuando preguntan "¿Cómo estás?".

Entonces aprendes a fingir, a hacer como sí, a sonreir y a decir que estás bien.
De mis hijos, no espero nada de ellos, no creo que tengan la obligación de ayudarme o estar presentes, sino lo sienten o no lo necesitan.

Somos una familia rota, una familia que se rompió cuando yo ya no pude darles techo, ni estudio ni comida y las manipulaciones de personas sin corazón ganaron para separarnos.  Estamos rotos por dentro y ellos aún no están dispuestos a sanar eso.  La relación entre los hermanos está rota, nuestros vínculos madre/hijo están rotos y para ellos es menos doloroso aplicar una dosis intensa de distancia.  Me pregunto si los nietos/sobrinos heredarán memorias rotas de una familia que nunca encontró un momento para reencontrarse.

Susie ©
Desde el desierto
25 de febrero 2017