Vulnerable

 I’ve been here before.  I may have written about this before.

It’s not the first time in my life I have been weeks without eating properly (or even without eating at all), without meeting my basic needs and without even toilet paper. No, it’s not the first time; and according to the law of attraction and all the gurus out there, something must be wrong with me and I am not vibrating high.

Why did I start writing in English?

Because it was the only way to talk about feelings and thoughts without being judged or condemned.  Nobody around me could understand what I wrote; if they did,  they would make feel even lonelier and insane.  My journal when I was a teenager was the only way out, the sky for my wings, the freedom to my soul and the silence where I could speak up and shut out.

Why do I write in English if I am a non native speaker?

Because it is easier to speak about certain feelings without being judged or condemned.  Those who love me don’t know how to deal with this and will either keep distance or turn around or will insist on blaming me for what I am going through.

We are not supposed to talk about starving and basic needs, we are not supposed to talk about depression, we are not supposed to talk about failure, and we are not supposed to talk about becoming homeless no matter how hard you try to make a living.  

We are supposed to keep on, thrive, try harder, be successful, talk about positive things, have a positive attitude, enjoy life and show the world how great you can be.

How did I end up here?

Well, I live in Argentina, and things have got worse after the pandemic, when we were not allowed to work (people working on their own) and when inflation got out of control.

In fact, life has not been easy for me for a long while, especially after 2014 when my body decided it was about time to take things easier and stop running from here to there to make ends meets and keep everybody safe and happy.  

Chronic diseases and chronic pain can change your life, your routine and the way you look at life. You learn that you cannot push your body beyond the limits any more.  You accept what it is and what it cannot be.  You become even more resourceful than ever and you try to figure out how you can be successful and happy with a non cooperative body.

I started working from home and at home.  I dared to make my own handcrafted books without the support of a publisher or an agent.  I honoured my gifts and I accepted I could not only interpret words as a translator, but I could also interpret the messages of Tarot cards and oracles.  I acquired new skills, learn how to edit videos and  I became a content creator on YouTube.

I won a scholarship at Business School in 2017 and I realized how I had hidden my talents and gifts and I learnt how to share my story and show my talents to the world.  At least, I thought I knew how to do it.  But what I learnt was not suitable for the place I live, it’s a different culture, people think differently and I keep having the feeling I was born in the wrong place and ahead of time.

I know, I know... Our soul is never wrong and we come to the perfect place in perfect time for our evolution.  I know the theory.

A lot of people like what I do but they are not ready to pay for it.  I must be attracting the wrong kind of people or I might not be able to attract the clients I need for my business.

Whatever it is, something is out of alignment and I haven’t found the way to fix it yet.

I’ve tried everything.  I’ve jumped far away from my comfort zone. I’ve been the Phoenix so many times that I’ve started to feel extremely tired of doing over.

It’s November 2021 and the rent is being paid by my parents who are old enough to be taken care and not looking after a 57-year-old woman.

I should be happy and content, the place is comfortable and nice; and I am not homeless. It should be enough.  Some days it is. I feel inspired and creative; I write books, posts and articles; I produce videos and share content on my main channel; I do free Tarot readings or share the daily guidance. Some other days it is not enough.  I feel weak, tired, foggy, depleted, overwhelmed and lonely.

It’s hard to stay positive and keep spirits up when the fridge is empty, there is no toilet paper, there is no money coming and nobody seems to be interested in my books or services.  A good meal would really help to regroup and find joy in sharing my talents for free.

Why do I keep writing these kind of posts if nobody is reading?

Because there is still hope.  Because I no longer find suicide the easiest way out.  Because I love my life and what I do.  Because writing can be therapeutic.  Because speaking to God in a loud voice or through my prayers does not seem to be enough and sharing my words out there is like shouting out to the universe that I do need help and I do not know how to make things better. Because the artist in me hopes to find a sponsor or a patron who would be willing to support my work and will give me the boost I need to come out of this dark hole.

I have to admit, I don’t like begging, I don’t enjoy asking for help.  I’ve asked for help too often since 2020 and people around me are getting tired of it and they feel ashamed that I am not able to make money.

I am a Holistic Therapist and even though I can help other people find the missing pieces and understand the signs of the Universe, I don’t seem to be able to overcome this by myself.

I’ve tried meditation, affirmations, moving meditation, MIR method, sacred codes, Mantras, you name it.

Why do I feel lonely?

Because I can no longer talk about my feelings or the truth about my life with the people I love and who seem to love me.  I make them feel frustrated, ashamed or even angry.

What’s my deepest wish?

I would love to be able to make a living with my books, my creative talents and my Tarot readings.

It would be awesome to live in abundance and not to worry about where money comes from and how I am going to pay the bills.

It would be great to have the freedom to choose what to eat and when; to go on holiday, to go out, to enjoy life, to travel on business and to have all my basic needs met (even the amount of water I need to drink every day).

Nobody is responsible for my wounds and my healing process.  Nobody is responsible for my happiness or my welfare.  Nobody but me.

Nevertheless, after being bullied and alienated most of my life, it would be great to know what it feels like to be celebrated and honoured for who I Am.

I visualize, I day dream, I work a lot with my shadow and my behaviour patterns.  I do work a lot.

So, let’s play a game.  When I wake up tomorrow, I will have healthy and delicious food, my bank account will be shining with prosperity and I will have so many orders to ship that I will need to hire an assistant; I will have so many sessions booked that people will have to be included on a waiting list and publishers will become interested in making profits with my books and decks of cards.

Let it be so.

So it is.

This is the vulnerable me.  We should be allowed to talk about whatever it is wrong in our lives.  Then, there wouldn’t be so many people feeling lonely, isolated, alienated and outcast.

If you’ve reached this far; thank you for reading with empathy, respect and compassion.

God bless you.

If you are able to spare a dollar and bless my journey with your kindness, please use this link.

Stay blessed.

Susannah Lorenzo

Vulnerable Susie

From the dark night of the Soul

Website in Spanish

YouTube Channel in Spanish

Website in English

YouTube Channel in English

My ill body at 53

This vessel of mine which has been neglected for so long, I was such a fool to believe I could become spiritual and mindful without paying due respect to my body.  Yet, it has served me well: it gave me my three beautiful children and becoming a mother was the most exquisite experience of love; it gave me pleasure and I was able to enjoy sex and love as a magic burst of divine energy. It was fun to do many things with my body: driving, repairing things, carrying my children, going to the gym, doing Aero box and Tae-bo, dancing, going for a walk, climbing stairs and chairs to make my home beautiful, climbing hills with my children or trekking on my own.  My body was always there to help me feel Wonder Woman who needed no man to raise her children or accomplish goals in life.  

But, I asked for too much, even when my body was tired I would keep moving and carrying furniture just to save money and to do everything on my own.  I would accept all challenges because the word ‘no’ is for the weak ones and you can always find the way to say ‘yes’ and make things work.

I would not take a break even if my ankle was twisted and I could not walk, if I had high blood pressure and my headache was killing me,  or if I could hardly breathe because my lungs were suffering from allergic asthma.  Even if I was in pain or if I was bleeding heavily, I would wear my mask and my disguise and I would always look like the professional woman who can beat anyone at work.

There was a time when I would give my body anything to keep it working and active: smoking, drinking coffee, taking pain killers every day (more than twice a day) and sleeping only for three or four hours, to be able to make more money and give my children the life I thought they deserved.
When I was younger and beautiful, I was not careful enough with lovers and boyfriends; I was too much desperate to fill the void, to make the unmothered child feel loved and cared.  I believed that if I found the right man I would stop feeling lonely and his love would fill every hole in my heart.  The wrong men did not respect my temple and did not treat my energy as sacred, they only cared about my body and their own pleasure, they left me or I left them, feeling more lonely and broken than before.  May be, my family had been right all the time, I needed some fixing, there was something wrong with me and being extremely sensitive and seeking for true love was just a crazy thing of a poet from outer space.

My body grew tired of not being listened, cared and respected, so, it forced me to change my habits through the only way I would acknowledge I had to stop: disease or illness.  First, it was my gall bladder when I was a teenager; then, it was a stomach ulcer when I was in my mid twenties; after that, my heart decided to play tricks when I was in my late twenties and high blood pressure became an issue; pneumonia and allergic asthma would become regulars in winter or during every change of season.  They would not come and go; they would just stay and combine with the previous ones, resulting in an interesting combination of medicines and pills which became a dangerous game for my metabolism. In my late thirties, Endometriosis and Fibromyalgia jumped onto the stage.  It was then, when I decided it was time to go for holistic treatments, herbs, spices and natural supplements.  Studying and researching became the best way to get to know this body of mine, to understand the emotional imbalance and to learn about the misalignment of chakras.

Natural remedies, holistic treatments and ancestral healing take a lot of time and make you dive deep into the ocean of your emotions, wounds and shadows.  Hence, when you think you are about to get better, there is a new layer which needs to be tended, healed and forgiven.  It is an endless process; you cannot give up, or expect miracles with just a cup of tea.

In my late forties, I had become totally disconnected from my Shakti, I was tired of kissing frogs and when I bought a new bed, I decided  nobody would sleep there with me, unless they were worth to share time with me in my sacred temple, in my blessed home.  If anyone was really fond of me should provide the place, the perfect date and all the courtship, I would not accept less than that. All the same, I kept attracting the wrong men: broken hearts, no love, no soul, and no respect for energies.  I did not care; I was too determined to make my life work without sex, love or a partner. 

Disconnecting from our Shakti, our first and second chakra, leads us to lack of abundance, scarcity and it breaks all the bridges with our creative goddess.  I became poor, unemployed, useless and helpless.  When two of my grandchildren needed a foster mother because they were living in chaos, with no education, school or values, it was the perfect time for Wonder Woman to come out and save the children, without saving myself first.  I went beyond my limitations, and once again I demanded my body to go with it.

My body took the shortest way: a combination of high blood pressure and heart issues to cause a fit.  I had had signals, I had been told by people and the angels that I should let them go, but I wanted to save those unmothered children the way I had never been saved.  When I came back home, my heart was broken (for my grandchildren and my daughter) and because I had to let them go, the same way I had to let go of my children when they were teenagers and I was homeless and sick.  I was also broke and my body decided to play the last card: POP appeared out of the blue as a way to show me that my body was not on the same train, not any more.

I felt ashamed, devastated, useless, helpless, ugly, dirty, lonely, disabled and gynaecologists were treating me as an old woman who had no chances for a normal life and no chances for a pension, when I was just becoming 50 years old.  There were suggestions of experiments, chopping parts of my organs, getting rid of some other ones and confining me under the protection of relatives who would not only decide upon my body but would tell me what to do nor to do.  I was not giving away my freedom; I was not letting the butchers touch my energy centres with their commercial hands.

I have been quite on my own since then, some friends and relatives may listen and try to understand, some may respect my decisions, some others would avoid seeing me or talking to me, they do not want to know details, they do not want to see the truth.  There are the ones who believe I would be a lot better connected to some machines, having been emptied and getting medicines and hospital food.  There are the others who believe my life would be a lot easier if I had gotten a good husband to pay for all the bills, the house and a car.  Most people do not want to know, they do not want to acknowledge, they do not want to see the ruins of a wonder woman who does not fly or jump any more.

Overweight has been an issue since I got my first period and my frightened mother started fighting my curves and hormones.  I have learnt, with time that emotional overweight is triggered by the need to protect ourselves from the environment or the people who hurt us.  As I wrote in my story ‘La Gorda’, overweight is the perfect shield to avoid sexual abuse and to prevent men from courting you when you are trying to work or get a job.  You can also walk along the streets and become totally invisible; there are no nasty comments or looks.

I have a tendency for curves and my hips do not lose their shape even if I am on diet.  I used to be on a diet every time I felt I was gaining too much weight, I would go to the gym to keep fit, look slim and feel well.  I can live on economy mode, eating almost nothing if I am going through poor times, and I can get really fat, just because my body develops this amount of fat just in case we starve long enough.  My hormones do work in a peculiar way.  I’m done with diets, I do not prohibit myself any food unless it makes me really sick or it is bad for any of the diseases I live with.  I’ve had enough times of scarcity and starving, so when there is food, I just enjoy it.

After POP became the leading actor in this play, overweight has become more than an issue, there are ups and downs, but I haven’t been slim for a long while.  I had to give up the gym, the fast walks, my bike and any other kind of physical exercise, because most places, gyms or centres are not ready to deal with POP or women with certain disabilities. Giving up my bike, which I rode to work every day and I would use morning and evening to visit my clients or do the shopping, resulted in stiff joints, muscle pain, loss of flexibility and even difficulty to climb a bus, the stairs or a truck.  Going out needs a lot of awareness of all our muscles, organs, bones and joints, we need to take care of our pelvic floor and watch that our organs don’t fall down; we need to check that we cannot carry heavy bags any more.  Therefore, you stop moving, you start isolating yourself and you don’t go out unless there is a kind friend who understands your limitations and disabilities.

Last year, I became aware, that I could not wear my jeans anymore and that I felt very uncomfortable with tight clothes.  I knew I was becoming fatter, I could feel it, I was heavier and clumsy and every movement required a lot of effort.  But you know, there is only a small mirror in the bathroom which shows only my face.  So, I did not feel that fat.  I thought the weight would go down sooner or later.
This year, I started with the Lift Series from Dr. Bri and I also combined them with Chair Yoga, it helped me feel really well, healthy and I could recover some flexibility after the first week.  Then poor times ruled the diet again and my organs got worse and pain was so intense, I stopped moving again.  The summer here was too hot and my menopause hormones were not comfortable with exercise.  I have learnt to listen to my body, too late, I must admit.

My body is tired of my bossy mind, it does not want to hear about pushy schedules or fixed timetables.  It just knows how many spoons are available for the day ahead and we proceed accordingly.  We just need to juggle the demands, we cannot do or achieve everything we want; sometimes, we have to choose: hours of work, cleaning the house, doing the shopping, taking the bus downtown, doing exercise, considering going for a walk, doing chakra dance, cooking or helping people.  Mind you, there are days when there are only two spoons and you have to choose wisely, especially when you are on your own and there is no help.

The truth is I feel sad, extremely sad, there are days when I am totally depressed and I feel hopeless and helpless. I try so hard not to show that, I try so hard to be professional and not to talk about my personal life, I try really hard to keep my vibes positive and to focus on the good things, I try hard to control all this process: I talk to my cells, to my organs, to my bones, to my joints, to Jesus, to God, to the Universe, to my higher self, to my Divine self, to my little girl inside, to the wise woman, to the curandera who helps others, I keep working hard and even when I go to sleep I am praying for my health and for the recovery of all my inner bridges.

There are days, like yesterday, today and the day before yesterday, when naps are longer than work periods, then I have to accept that I cannot clean my house if I want to be able to work.  And these days are the worst, I feel extremely tired, overwhelmed and I wonder: what’s the sake of living in pain, without enjoying life, without doing everything I like, without being able to talk about how I feel, and just by collecting every penny to survive and pay the rent?  What’s the sake of it?  I deserve better, I know better.

When I went to be last night, I was in pain, extremely tired, sick and feeling I was living in a thick heavy  Buddha who could not move but could not smile either.

A couple of weeks ago I had to travel to the south of Mendoza province, I stayed at an apartment.  The apartment had a huge floor to ceiling mirror,  Looking at my naked body was a shock, I realized I am really overweight, my shapes are no longer as they used to be, my curves have lost their beauty and I look so horrible with the clothes I manage to wear.  I tried to do some mirror work and I even considered tapping. But the image on the mirror was so shocking and disgusting that I only felt like crying. I can no longer wear nice clothes, they do not fit me anymore; I just wear second hand clothes which look old fashioned or I just wear trainers and some cheap pants which fit me.  I have been feeling like crying a river since that day.  I now know what I look like, I know that I am really fat and it is more than overweight,  I almost look like an obese woman.  I can feel it, it is hard to tie my shoelaces or to sit down on a sofa or stand up quickly.

So, when I went to bed last night, I started crying and touching my body, my limbs, my skin, my face, my hair and even my fat belly.  The more I did that, the more I cried, painful tears coming from my heart.  I started praying and talking to my body like this:

I ask you, my higher self, to help me align all my chakras and make my body healthy again.

Oh Lord, please show me the best way to be fit again and make good use of this body of mine.

I ask you, my Divine self, to take this body and fill it with light and love so that all the wounds are healed and all the shadows are no longer out of reach.

Oh my dear body, I am so thankful and grateful for all that you have given me: my children, pleasure, sex, joy, fun, exercise, dancing, hugging, kissing, touching, climbing, trekking, walking, riding my bike, driving cars and trucks, travelling and being a channel for God’s will and light.

Oh my beloved body, I now cleanse every wound, every dirty spot, every memory of abuse and neglect, every dark corner and every broken spot; I breathe out  my love so that this warm air fills every cell, every organ, every muscle, every joint and every bone; by the power of God that I am, I am health, I am love, I am light and you are one with me.

Oh my beautiful body, you are the sacred temple for my soul, my energies, the love and light of God and my mission here on earth.  Give me just one more chance, I promise I will take care of you, I will honour you, I will respect you, I will praise you and I will make you holy in everything I do.

My dear Lord, if you still want me here on earth, if you and the angels need me, please  take my heart and my body and use my tears to make the clay wet and give it a new shape for your will here on earth.

I now rise from the depths of sorrow, carrying the pain of all the women in my family, I now undo all the painful words, the insane laws, the broken promises, the selfish spells, the angry curses and all the fears which have led us to this mar of lloronas.

I forgive myself for not looking after my body, for not listening to it, for not honouring it, for not praising it and for not respecting its sacred energy.

I forgive my body for pushing me into diseases I did not want to bear and for flooding myself with feelings I was not ready to bare.

I forgive my ancestors for not teaching me about healing and joy, for showing me the way of fear and making me believe I was a sinner with no right to glow.

I forgive all the men who were not ready to love me or those who were too afraid to love at all.  I forgive myself for loving men who were too broken to accept love in their lives.

I ask my soul and my divine self to forgive my ego and my selfish attempts to control everything in my life.

I ask my sexual organs to forgive me for neglecting them or for trying to go further in the spiritual path without considering them as part of my magic and sacred energy.

I forgive myself for feeling ashamed, useless, hopeless and helpless, for feeling that I needed to be fixed and that I did not deserve living here.

I forgive myself for seeking death too often in my life and for letting me die without living fully awake.

I now accept that I deserve all the best and the very best.

I now stop seeking beyond myself and trying to fix everything outside.

I now accept that it is time to look inside and take my time to heal this vessel and to show it my almighty love.

Oh this vessel of mine, may you be free from pain and sorrow, may you be at peace.  May you be healed and blessed, may you be kept sacred.  May all the light of the universe make your garden glow like never before.

Oh this body of mine, you are loved, you are cared, you are respected, you are needed, you are blessed.  You are healed, you are whole and pure again.

So it is, so it is, so it is.

Susannah
Susie
Meherdeep Kaur
April 3rd, 2018 

Falling to pieces at Xmas

When you feel you are finally getting out of the darkness or that even when you face dark moments, you can go beyond them and find peace and light in just being yourself, pain bounces back cracking the wound which you thought was already healing.  Here I am, once again falling to pieces.

Thoughts
It looks like if you grow too much, if you think too much, an army of ghostly bodies will try to empty your heart and mind until no traces are left of the original soul, which lives beyond your shadows.
From the book ‘Pieces’
Soledad Lorena

I’ve been busy building, designing, crossing, knitting and writing bridges.  I’ve been even helping people to work with their own bridges.

I’ve gone through a very deep and intense healing journey to bless all the wounds and to leave the past where it is.  Living in the moment, being present and trying not to worry about the future, has been my personal lesson this year.

But you know, every time there is a blast of anger, words and resentment; I realize my children still dwell in the past.  Their own wounds keep them broken, so broken and so damaged that they cannot but hurt other people and themselves.

For every bridge I have repaired and mended, they have grown so distant or maybe it’s me; walking into the light far away from remorse and guilt has kept me so distant from the people I love the most: my own children.

Their hearts are so close and full of anger and pain; they are so far away from God, their own soul and the Holy Spirit, that we do not talk the same language any more. The bonds and bridges among them are also broken and when crossed, they are only used for times of war.

As a mother, on this Holy day of Christmas, I ask myself: how can I be happy or even fill my heart with joy when my own children are so hurt and so broken that my heart is in pain?  Few friends know the story, the nest was destroyed too son, this family was broken long ago and since then, we have survived trying to do as if everything was ok, trying not to miss each other, trying not to ask for a moment of love and joy.

I know, if they are in their thirties I can do nothing but pray and let them live their choices.  If I get closer, toxic relations bring me down and seem to be useless because we live in different worlds and dimensions.  If I keep distance, then they can come shouting and swearing for whatever tiny thorn is bothering them.

My hands are tied and that makes me feel helpless and useless.  They do not want help; they do not even believe they need it.

When you are a single mother and you have raised them on your own, they tend to blame you for everything, it is not the missing parent who did nothing, but the mother who was always there making all the decisions and choices, for better or worse.

Coming to my place, spending a moment of peace, surrounded with good energies and beauty seems to stir their most negative emotions and behaviours.

For some reason, the lighter the place, the stronger I feel, the healthier my heart looks and the sole look of tended gardens and mended bridges; the deeper the darkness in them which comes out as poisonous words and aggressive manners.

I cannot dwell in the past any more, I no longer wallow in my wounds and I am not willing to wallow in their pain either.

It is said that when we become mothers pieces of our hearts live outside us, walking around and making us feel their paces, we breathe what they breathe and whatever hurts them hurts us the most.

A warrior of light learns to walk away from parents, brothers and friends;  a warrior of light feels at ease walking along the less travelled path, a warrior of light gives away her own colours to knit perfect wings for her children and remains empty and colourless for years, a warrior of light learns about loneliness and solitude;  a warrior of light has not country, town, home or even a planet.

But setting boundaries with your own children can be the most challenging lesson.

Let go.
Let God.
Only God knows.
Susannah
December 25th, 2017 

About discouragement and freedom

I was curled up in physical pain and discomfort when I got an email from Marie Forleo sharing one of her inspiring videos and the text started like this:

"Have you ever felt discouraged, disheartened or even depressed by the turmoil and uncertainty that surrounds you?When we’re engulfed in circumstances that feel beyond our control, finding the strength and courage to keep going isn’t always easy. Understandably, we can feel helpless and alone."

As I breathed in, trying to feel better, I could not help writing these words in my mind.
When we are feeling discouraged and helpless, I think we all share the same feeling around the world: we crave for freedom.

An architect in Iraq feels discouraged because what she creates might be destroyed by war.
A poet feels invisible after writing a beautiful book which nobody wants to buy.
A child feels unmothered because her mother does not accept her sensitive and creative soul.
A teacher feels helpless because clients come asking for miracle pills or stunning diplomas, they are not willing to learn.
A woman in her fifties feels hopeless in spite of her talents and gifts because people out there want to hire young beautiful ladies who are already successful.

As an artist, as a passionate teacher, as a talented interpreter or as a creative writer; I always give my best.  It’s the pleasure of having an image in my head or a feeling in my heart and being able to translate it into words.  It’s the satisfaction of finding endless ways of teaching something to somebody who cannot understand a foreign language.  It’s the contentment to create a new recipe in the kitchen and prepare a delicious meal even when there are not enough ingredients.  It’s the pride of doing an oracle reading for free and knowing that the person who received it had an insight with our words.
Nevertheless, we cannot control what people do with our creations or work, we cannot control what people feel about it and we cannot even control if we will be here to see if people enjoy them as much as we do.

Unfortunately, we do not live in a bubble of art, creativity, wisdom and enlightenment. We have to pay our bills, make a living and survive in a jungle of people who are far from sensitive.

If we are broke and cannot choose what food to buy or when to eat; if we have health issues or some chronic disease and we cannot choose how to move our body or our physical condition determines our routine; if we are hiding in a corner afraid of what might happen outside; if we are deprived from simple things which seem so normal to the rest of the world; we are not free, we are prisoners of our circumstances.

We all crave for freedom.  We all need to feel free to do what we need or want.

And then, there is another feeling we all share: hope.  It is "hope of deliverance from the darkness that surrounds us" (Paul Mc Cartney) which helps us try one step at a time, just for today.


2017 started with a lot of scarcity for me.  Summer seemed to be winter and surviving on ‘God shall provide’ and energy saving mode made me feel defeated.  In spite of being broke and blocked, I applied for a scholarship at B-School and I got it.  It has kept my mind busy and it has led me to meet awesome people from different parts of the world. 

Studying at B-School helps me feel hope: hope that I may set myself free from my financial situation; hope that I may be successful in spite of my health issues; hope that I may not feel so lonely because there are other women who can support me in this tribe.

I must admit, I am not 100% sure I will succeed.  When I have to spend 50% of my day in bed in order to feel better; when I have no money and I am tired of trying different ways out and only finding myself in the same dead end; when the landlord wants his money and I have no idea how I will get it; when the tons of issues to solve are a lot heavier than the solutions I can find; then I feel discouraged and I want to give up.

But, there is a moment when I get an email like this morning, with a link to an inspiring video, or an email from one of new friends, or I get an unexpected gift, or I am able to write something beautiful in spite of the darkness; and then hope prevails and that spot of light just makes sense for today.

Susannah Lorenzo ©
April 4, 2017

Seeking and giving

An unmothered child seeks to love the way she would have wanted to be loved.

She wants to give all, even what she does not have.
She wants to do magic and pray for miracles.
She wants to make others see the most wonderful colours.
She wants to reach their heart, their emptiness, their cold dark corners and their hurting holes, because she knows about that kind of loneliness which is found among your loved ones.

Nevertheless, at the end of the road, she realizes no one dares to be loved that way.  Most people prefer darkness and cannot even feel their emptiness.
In the end, large rivers flood small villages and destroy humble homes.

Susie
Soledad Lorena

Thus, our generous love looks so selfish because we were giving what we lacked.

July 2015 

Uncharted

There’s no need to fly to an uncharted island in the Pacific so that you feel totally isolated and lonely.  If you have no money and you are unable to buy a trip somewhere exotic, there are many ways you can become invisible to the rest of the world.  When you no longer play their game, when you do not lie any more, when you do not pretend you are normal, when you are in trouble most of the time and success does not knock on your door, you sure have a passport out of the system.

But it’s about time I find my spiritual community; it is time I find a place where I fit in.  It’s already time I start calling the one.  Because I’ve had enough of this lonely island in a town in the middle of nowhere.  I’ve learnt the meaning of living alone, I’ve learnt to love and respect myself.  Now it’s time to move on.
Susie ©
02 January 2014

Lonely season

Yes, true love makes wings, paints them and strengthens them.  A mother’s heart is generous enough to want her children safe and sound no matter where.

But once in a while, any woman dreams of her children coming back for Christmas’ Eve. Any mother would love, at least for a week, to have her children longing for her love.

But there is no home, I’ve moved places so many times that there is no room you may miss.  I had to let you go so early that it still hurts, but the way you misunderstand decisions made hurts even more.

I used to punish myself for not being able to hold the family together, now there is no need; life, distance and lack of prosperity do the entire job.

And it seems, we get used to being apart, to living far away and to not sharing our lives.  

We pretend we do not miss or need each other.  We just go on.  And then one day, just like today, there is this feeling of emptiness, no bond, no tie, no closeness...  It is just enough with one phone call from time to time, a message, a note, the realization that we are there, somewhere.  It seems it is enough to know we are alive and going on with our lives.

Any mother, every mother has this tiny selfish moment when she would like to say everything she feels, when she would like to ask for what she needs.  But I love you so much that I may cry a river while I write these notes but you will know nothing of my sorrow or pain.  I will decently sit at my lonely table for Christmas and New Year and I will pretend I can deal with it.  Or I will just go to sleep and pray God to wake me up when festive season is gone.

Susie ©

December 22nd, 2013

Lonely

After a very lonely weekend, words sound like noise and people look like shadows.

Susie
21nd July 2013

Help

It’s been a while since darkness started.  There were almost three months of starving in every possible sense and that narrowed my mind to the point I could only see death as the way out.

I knew I was wrong but I was done with praying and meditation and reality was devastating.  So I started to seek for help and guidance and that was a huge step to feel brave enough and trust people I did not even know.

A very kind and wise priest once told me: your lesson is to learn how to receive help and ask for it.  I have always enjoyed helping people in any possible way.   I enjoy giving, sharing and doing things for others.  But 

I always feel ashamed, embarrassed and not worthy if I have to ask for help.  I wish people just knew what I need and helped me without me asking.   Therefore, it is not until I am living in extreme discomfort, when I admit I have to ask for help if I want to find the way out.

It’s still difficult.  I am not homeless and I can eat properly once in a while, I do not have a proper job yet, just some teaching here and there.  I have been able to stay at home because I have accepted help from people I did not want to get help.  Although I would love to be able to make a living on my own, I’ve managed not to feel ashamed for receiving help.

Meanwhile, I’ve been working with some audios and mediation with light sounds and voices which have really helped to open all the shutters and doors which were blocking all the borders surrounding me.  Even if I may feel weak or rather negative when I cannot eat properly, I’ve started to feel stronger from inside, I feel brave, shiny, and capable of coping with everything, and I feel gifted and blessed.

I also realized that most doors were being closed because I did not want to work with my talents any more, I was not willing to share my gifts with the world outside.  I wanted a quick way out, just a normal job which could provide food, rent and meet my basic needs.  When I started working with my gifts and talents again (teaching and healing), some doors started to open. 

I have no idea what is going to happen now, I have no idea how I am going to survive but I feel thankful for all that I am learning.  I feel a lot older than last year, I mean I feel wiser but I do not want to sound boastful.

The Universe is there full of prosperity although it is not always granted as we would like it to be.  Sometimes, we have to accept what it is given to us until we are able to get it on our own.

I feel blessed and thankful for all the people I have met on the web, because they have guided me, they have sent light and good vibes and because they have prayed for me.  I feel honoured, because I was not able to pay for guidance, coaching or counselling, but there were generous and kind people willing to give some help. 

No matter if you prayed for me, you did some healing, you sent me a link to a helpful site, you wrote about some useful tool or if you wished me good, whatever you did was a blessed gift to me.

Thank you all.

NB: I am still working with Judi Satori’s audios and they are amazing.  I recommend the 9-day work with Lyra Council which I used for Easter time (I always pray and meditate a lot during Easter).  I’ve started with chakra dance today and this is the right tool for me too.  I really enjoy dancing while opening my heart and unveiling the hidden and sleeping parts in me.