Prayer for my body

You can listen to the prayer here.

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Blessings,

Susannah

My ill body at 53

This vessel of mine which has been neglected for so long, I was such a fool to believe I could become spiritual and mindful without paying due respect to my body.  Yet, it has served me well: it gave me my three beautiful children and becoming a mother was the most exquisite experience of love; it gave me pleasure and I was able to enjoy sex and love as a magic burst of divine energy. It was fun to do many things with my body: driving, repairing things, carrying my children, going to the gym, doing Aero box and Tae-bo, dancing, going for a walk, climbing stairs and chairs to make my home beautiful, climbing hills with my children or trekking on my own.  My body was always there to help me feel Wonder Woman who needed no man to raise her children or accomplish goals in life.  

But, I asked for too much, even when my body was tired I would keep moving and carrying furniture just to save money and to do everything on my own.  I would accept all challenges because the word ‘no’ is for the weak ones and you can always find the way to say ‘yes’ and make things work.

I would not take a break even if my ankle was twisted and I could not walk, if I had high blood pressure and my headache was killing me,  or if I could hardly breathe because my lungs were suffering from allergic asthma.  Even if I was in pain or if I was bleeding heavily, I would wear my mask and my disguise and I would always look like the professional woman who can beat anyone at work.

There was a time when I would give my body anything to keep it working and active: smoking, drinking coffee, taking pain killers every day (more than twice a day) and sleeping only for three or four hours, to be able to make more money and give my children the life I thought they deserved.
When I was younger and beautiful, I was not careful enough with lovers and boyfriends; I was too much desperate to fill the void, to make the unmothered child feel loved and cared.  I believed that if I found the right man I would stop feeling lonely and his love would fill every hole in my heart.  The wrong men did not respect my temple and did not treat my energy as sacred, they only cared about my body and their own pleasure, they left me or I left them, feeling more lonely and broken than before.  May be, my family had been right all the time, I needed some fixing, there was something wrong with me and being extremely sensitive and seeking for true love was just a crazy thing of a poet from outer space.

My body grew tired of not being listened, cared and respected, so, it forced me to change my habits through the only way I would acknowledge I had to stop: disease or illness.  First, it was my gall bladder when I was a teenager; then, it was a stomach ulcer when I was in my mid twenties; after that, my heart decided to play tricks when I was in my late twenties and high blood pressure became an issue; pneumonia and allergic asthma would become regulars in winter or during every change of season.  They would not come and go; they would just stay and combine with the previous ones, resulting in an interesting combination of medicines and pills which became a dangerous game for my metabolism. In my late thirties, Endometriosis and Fibromyalgia jumped onto the stage.  It was then, when I decided it was time to go for holistic treatments, herbs, spices and natural supplements.  Studying and researching became the best way to get to know this body of mine, to understand the emotional imbalance and to learn about the misalignment of chakras.

Natural remedies, holistic treatments and ancestral healing take a lot of time and make you dive deep into the ocean of your emotions, wounds and shadows.  Hence, when you think you are about to get better, there is a new layer which needs to be tended, healed and forgiven.  It is an endless process; you cannot give up, or expect miracles with just a cup of tea.

In my late forties, I had become totally disconnected from my Shakti, I was tired of kissing frogs and when I bought a new bed, I decided  nobody would sleep there with me, unless they were worth to share time with me in my sacred temple, in my blessed home.  If anyone was really fond of me should provide the place, the perfect date and all the courtship, I would not accept less than that. All the same, I kept attracting the wrong men: broken hearts, no love, no soul, and no respect for energies.  I did not care; I was too determined to make my life work without sex, love or a partner. 

Disconnecting from our Shakti, our first and second chakra, leads us to lack of abundance, scarcity and it breaks all the bridges with our creative goddess.  I became poor, unemployed, useless and helpless.  When two of my grandchildren needed a foster mother because they were living in chaos, with no education, school or values, it was the perfect time for Wonder Woman to come out and save the children, without saving myself first.  I went beyond my limitations, and once again I demanded my body to go with it.

My body took the shortest way: a combination of high blood pressure and heart issues to cause a fit.  I had had signals, I had been told by people and the angels that I should let them go, but I wanted to save those unmothered children the way I had never been saved.  When I came back home, my heart was broken (for my grandchildren and my daughter) and because I had to let them go, the same way I had to let go of my children when they were teenagers and I was homeless and sick.  I was also broke and my body decided to play the last card: POP appeared out of the blue as a way to show me that my body was not on the same train, not any more.

I felt ashamed, devastated, useless, helpless, ugly, dirty, lonely, disabled and gynaecologists were treating me as an old woman who had no chances for a normal life and no chances for a pension, when I was just becoming 50 years old.  There were suggestions of experiments, chopping parts of my organs, getting rid of some other ones and confining me under the protection of relatives who would not only decide upon my body but would tell me what to do nor to do.  I was not giving away my freedom; I was not letting the butchers touch my energy centres with their commercial hands.

I have been quite on my own since then, some friends and relatives may listen and try to understand, some may respect my decisions, some others would avoid seeing me or talking to me, they do not want to know details, they do not want to see the truth.  There are the ones who believe I would be a lot better connected to some machines, having been emptied and getting medicines and hospital food.  There are the others who believe my life would be a lot easier if I had gotten a good husband to pay for all the bills, the house and a car.  Most people do not want to know, they do not want to acknowledge, they do not want to see the ruins of a wonder woman who does not fly or jump any more.

Overweight has been an issue since I got my first period and my frightened mother started fighting my curves and hormones.  I have learnt, with time that emotional overweight is triggered by the need to protect ourselves from the environment or the people who hurt us.  As I wrote in my story ‘La Gorda’, overweight is the perfect shield to avoid sexual abuse and to prevent men from courting you when you are trying to work or get a job.  You can also walk along the streets and become totally invisible; there are no nasty comments or looks.

I have a tendency for curves and my hips do not lose their shape even if I am on diet.  I used to be on a diet every time I felt I was gaining too much weight, I would go to the gym to keep fit, look slim and feel well.  I can live on economy mode, eating almost nothing if I am going through poor times, and I can get really fat, just because my body develops this amount of fat just in case we starve long enough.  My hormones do work in a peculiar way.  I’m done with diets, I do not prohibit myself any food unless it makes me really sick or it is bad for any of the diseases I live with.  I’ve had enough times of scarcity and starving, so when there is food, I just enjoy it.

After POP became the leading actor in this play, overweight has become more than an issue, there are ups and downs, but I haven’t been slim for a long while.  I had to give up the gym, the fast walks, my bike and any other kind of physical exercise, because most places, gyms or centres are not ready to deal with POP or women with certain disabilities. Giving up my bike, which I rode to work every day and I would use morning and evening to visit my clients or do the shopping, resulted in stiff joints, muscle pain, loss of flexibility and even difficulty to climb a bus, the stairs or a truck.  Going out needs a lot of awareness of all our muscles, organs, bones and joints, we need to take care of our pelvic floor and watch that our organs don’t fall down; we need to check that we cannot carry heavy bags any more.  Therefore, you stop moving, you start isolating yourself and you don’t go out unless there is a kind friend who understands your limitations and disabilities.

Last year, I became aware, that I could not wear my jeans anymore and that I felt very uncomfortable with tight clothes.  I knew I was becoming fatter, I could feel it, I was heavier and clumsy and every movement required a lot of effort.  But you know, there is only a small mirror in the bathroom which shows only my face.  So, I did not feel that fat.  I thought the weight would go down sooner or later.
This year, I started with the Lift Series from Dr. Bri and I also combined them with Chair Yoga, it helped me feel really well, healthy and I could recover some flexibility after the first week.  Then poor times ruled the diet again and my organs got worse and pain was so intense, I stopped moving again.  The summer here was too hot and my menopause hormones were not comfortable with exercise.  I have learnt to listen to my body, too late, I must admit.

My body is tired of my bossy mind, it does not want to hear about pushy schedules or fixed timetables.  It just knows how many spoons are available for the day ahead and we proceed accordingly.  We just need to juggle the demands, we cannot do or achieve everything we want; sometimes, we have to choose: hours of work, cleaning the house, doing the shopping, taking the bus downtown, doing exercise, considering going for a walk, doing chakra dance, cooking or helping people.  Mind you, there are days when there are only two spoons and you have to choose wisely, especially when you are on your own and there is no help.

The truth is I feel sad, extremely sad, there are days when I am totally depressed and I feel hopeless and helpless. I try so hard not to show that, I try so hard to be professional and not to talk about my personal life, I try really hard to keep my vibes positive and to focus on the good things, I try hard to control all this process: I talk to my cells, to my organs, to my bones, to my joints, to Jesus, to God, to the Universe, to my higher self, to my Divine self, to my little girl inside, to the wise woman, to the curandera who helps others, I keep working hard and even when I go to sleep I am praying for my health and for the recovery of all my inner bridges.

There are days, like yesterday, today and the day before yesterday, when naps are longer than work periods, then I have to accept that I cannot clean my house if I want to be able to work.  And these days are the worst, I feel extremely tired, overwhelmed and I wonder: what’s the sake of living in pain, without enjoying life, without doing everything I like, without being able to talk about how I feel, and just by collecting every penny to survive and pay the rent?  What’s the sake of it?  I deserve better, I know better.

When I went to be last night, I was in pain, extremely tired, sick and feeling I was living in a thick heavy  Buddha who could not move but could not smile either.

A couple of weeks ago I had to travel to the south of Mendoza province, I stayed at an apartment.  The apartment had a huge floor to ceiling mirror,  Looking at my naked body was a shock, I realized I am really overweight, my shapes are no longer as they used to be, my curves have lost their beauty and I look so horrible with the clothes I manage to wear.  I tried to do some mirror work and I even considered tapping. But the image on the mirror was so shocking and disgusting that I only felt like crying. I can no longer wear nice clothes, they do not fit me anymore; I just wear second hand clothes which look old fashioned or I just wear trainers and some cheap pants which fit me.  I have been feeling like crying a river since that day.  I now know what I look like, I know that I am really fat and it is more than overweight,  I almost look like an obese woman.  I can feel it, it is hard to tie my shoelaces or to sit down on a sofa or stand up quickly.

So, when I went to bed last night, I started crying and touching my body, my limbs, my skin, my face, my hair and even my fat belly.  The more I did that, the more I cried, painful tears coming from my heart.  I started praying and talking to my body like this:

I ask you, my higher self, to help me align all my chakras and make my body healthy again.

Oh Lord, please show me the best way to be fit again and make good use of this body of mine.

I ask you, my Divine self, to take this body and fill it with light and love so that all the wounds are healed and all the shadows are no longer out of reach.

Oh my dear body, I am so thankful and grateful for all that you have given me: my children, pleasure, sex, joy, fun, exercise, dancing, hugging, kissing, touching, climbing, trekking, walking, riding my bike, driving cars and trucks, travelling and being a channel for God’s will and light.

Oh my beloved body, I now cleanse every wound, every dirty spot, every memory of abuse and neglect, every dark corner and every broken spot; I breathe out  my love so that this warm air fills every cell, every organ, every muscle, every joint and every bone; by the power of God that I am, I am health, I am love, I am light and you are one with me.

Oh my beautiful body, you are the sacred temple for my soul, my energies, the love and light of God and my mission here on earth.  Give me just one more chance, I promise I will take care of you, I will honour you, I will respect you, I will praise you and I will make you holy in everything I do.

My dear Lord, if you still want me here on earth, if you and the angels need me, please  take my heart and my body and use my tears to make the clay wet and give it a new shape for your will here on earth.

I now rise from the depths of sorrow, carrying the pain of all the women in my family, I now undo all the painful words, the insane laws, the broken promises, the selfish spells, the angry curses and all the fears which have led us to this mar of lloronas.

I forgive myself for not looking after my body, for not listening to it, for not honouring it, for not praising it and for not respecting its sacred energy.

I forgive my body for pushing me into diseases I did not want to bear and for flooding myself with feelings I was not ready to bare.

I forgive my ancestors for not teaching me about healing and joy, for showing me the way of fear and making me believe I was a sinner with no right to glow.

I forgive all the men who were not ready to love me or those who were too afraid to love at all.  I forgive myself for loving men who were too broken to accept love in their lives.

I ask my soul and my divine self to forgive my ego and my selfish attempts to control everything in my life.

I ask my sexual organs to forgive me for neglecting them or for trying to go further in the spiritual path without considering them as part of my magic and sacred energy.

I forgive myself for feeling ashamed, useless, hopeless and helpless, for feeling that I needed to be fixed and that I did not deserve living here.

I forgive myself for seeking death too often in my life and for letting me die without living fully awake.

I now accept that I deserve all the best and the very best.

I now stop seeking beyond myself and trying to fix everything outside.

I now accept that it is time to look inside and take my time to heal this vessel and to show it my almighty love.

Oh this vessel of mine, may you be free from pain and sorrow, may you be at peace.  May you be healed and blessed, may you be kept sacred.  May all the light of the universe make your garden glow like never before.

Oh this body of mine, you are loved, you are cared, you are respected, you are needed, you are blessed.  You are healed, you are whole and pure again.

So it is, so it is, so it is.

Susannah
Susie
Meherdeep Kaur
April 3rd, 2018 

Seeking and giving

An unmothered child seeks to love the way she would have wanted to be loved.

She wants to give all, even what she does not have.
She wants to do magic and pray for miracles.
She wants to make others see the most wonderful colours.
She wants to reach their heart, their emptiness, their cold dark corners and their hurting holes, because she knows about that kind of loneliness which is found among your loved ones.

Nevertheless, at the end of the road, she realizes no one dares to be loved that way.  Most people prefer darkness and cannot even feel their emptiness.
In the end, large rivers flood small villages and destroy humble homes.

Susie
Soledad Lorena

Thus, our generous love looks so selfish because we were giving what we lacked.

July 2015 

Mr. Spoon

He gently cupped my face with his hands and sweetly kissed my lips.  Then, he said:

If you teach me, if you show me, I can stand by you.  I don't want to miss the fun we can have together, I don't want to bury this love under the grey clouds of fear and uncertainty.  If you let me, I can be the extra spoon you need on rough days.  If you dare to, I can cook, dance, shop or make the bed for you.  If you open your heart,  you can just call me Mr. Spoon and make me happy, as you are doing right now, with that tender smile in your eyes.

Soledad Lorena ©
Susannah 2015

Daydreaming

The Spoon Theory

I'm your man

Memories in red

There was a time when I dared to wear flowers on my hair.  My favourite dress was red and it had lots of flowers.  I believed I was precious and beautiful, I still believed I could be amazing.

It was then, when the unmothered child was told she was not beautiful or pretty.  She was persuaded that everyone outside was evil and that there was nothing special about her. It was the beginning of the end and she could only be free through books.

It took me about forty years to realize I am beautiful, amazing, pretty and special.  It took me a long time to accept there is nothing wrong with me.

I would like to travel in time and hold this girl tight; I would like to keep the sparkle in her eyes, the comfort in her heart, and the colour in her wings.

You are nice.
You are smart.
You are beautiful.
You are loved.
You are safe.

Susie 2014

NB : I can see it now.  It was after that birthday, after that year, that I never wanted to wear red again.  I did not like colourful clothes.  I just wanted to become invisible because it looked a lot safer.
So, it is time now to wear red again and to honour the amazing magic woman I have always been.

Uncharted

There’s no need to fly to an uncharted island in the Pacific so that you feel totally isolated and lonely.  If you have no money and you are unable to buy a trip somewhere exotic, there are many ways you can become invisible to the rest of the world.  When you no longer play their game, when you do not lie any more, when you do not pretend you are normal, when you are in trouble most of the time and success does not knock on your door, you sure have a passport out of the system.

But it’s about time I find my spiritual community; it is time I find a place where I fit in.  It’s already time I start calling the one.  Because I’ve had enough of this lonely island in a town in the middle of nowhere.  I’ve learnt the meaning of living alone, I’ve learnt to love and respect myself.  Now it’s time to move on.
Susie ©
02 January 2014

Lonely season

Yes, true love makes wings, paints them and strengthens them.  A mother’s heart is generous enough to want her children safe and sound no matter where.

But once in a while, any woman dreams of her children coming back for Christmas’ Eve. Any mother would love, at least for a week, to have her children longing for her love.

But there is no home, I’ve moved places so many times that there is no room you may miss.  I had to let you go so early that it still hurts, but the way you misunderstand decisions made hurts even more.

I used to punish myself for not being able to hold the family together, now there is no need; life, distance and lack of prosperity do the entire job.

And it seems, we get used to being apart, to living far away and to not sharing our lives.  

We pretend we do not miss or need each other.  We just go on.  And then one day, just like today, there is this feeling of emptiness, no bond, no tie, no closeness...  It is just enough with one phone call from time to time, a message, a note, the realization that we are there, somewhere.  It seems it is enough to know we are alive and going on with our lives.

Any mother, every mother has this tiny selfish moment when she would like to say everything she feels, when she would like to ask for what she needs.  But I love you so much that I may cry a river while I write these notes but you will know nothing of my sorrow or pain.  I will decently sit at my lonely table for Christmas and New Year and I will pretend I can deal with it.  Or I will just go to sleep and pray God to wake me up when festive season is gone.

Susie ©

December 22nd, 2013

An ocean of waves

“I have sea foam in my veins,
for I understand
the language of waves.”
~ Le Testament d’Orphee

Reading these verses helps me understand why I keep myself far away from the sea and the ocean.  I know if I am close to the sea I will just surrender, I will not be able to take so much water without feeling disturbed.

And so it happens with certain energies.  There is no grey shade, either I keep them flowing like a roaring river or I keep them buried under peaceful graves.

It should not amaze me, but it does.  When you think everything is quiet and running smoothly and you are making your way out of the darkness, when you are seeking for light and healing and you even dream of ancient voices taking care of your wounds, then it happens.  The river, the grave, the feelings which were thought to be dead and the connection which was thought not to work anymore, burst altogether into burning lava.

I know the rules, if you try to align your chakras and if you dance to the moon, all the hidden secrets will wake up and look into your eyes.  There is no possible clearing if all sources are not open and alive.

Therefore, Mother Mercy, nothing have I learnt, for my heart longs for a soul not ready to shine under the sun of love.  It is just so hard to take when you have so much to give and there’s no one willing to receive.

Once again, there is the trick, I start to believe the Goddess can live in me, I find my path to light and forgiveness, I reach peace and harmony and smile at all what I am but your name knocks at all the locked doors and I become a mess in the blink of an eye.

Susie

Soledad Lorena

May 7^th, 2013

Sleeping beauty

I am going to sleep for a long while. Don´t wake me up unless you have great news or you're going to kiss my heart.