I’ve been here before. I may have written about this before.
It’s not the first time in my life I have been weeks without eating properly (or even without eating at all), without meeting my basic needs and without even toilet paper. No, it’s not the first time; and according to the law of attraction and all the gurus out there, something must be wrong with me and I am not vibrating high.
Why did I start writing in English?
Because it was the only way to talk about feelings and thoughts without being judged or condemned. Nobody around me could understand what I wrote; if they did, they would make feel even lonelier and insane. My journal when I was a teenager was the only way out, the sky for my wings, the freedom to my soul and the silence where I could speak up and shut out.
Why do I write in English if I am a non native speaker?
Because it is easier to speak about certain feelings without being judged or condemned. Those who love me don’t know how to deal with this and will either keep distance or turn around or will insist on blaming me for what I am going through.
We are not supposed to talk about starving and basic needs, we are not supposed to talk about depression, we are not supposed to talk about failure, and we are not supposed to talk about becoming homeless no matter how hard you try to make a living.
We are supposed to keep on, thrive, try harder, be successful, talk about positive things, have a positive attitude, enjoy life and show the world how great you can be.
How did I end up here?
Well, I live in Argentina, and things have got worse after the pandemic, when we were not allowed to work (people working on their own) and when inflation got out of control.
In fact, life has not been easy for me for a long while, especially after 2014 when my body decided it was about time to take things easier and stop running from here to there to make ends meets and keep everybody safe and happy.
Chronic diseases and chronic pain can change your life, your routine and the way you look at life. You learn that you cannot push your body beyond the limits any more. You accept what it is and what it cannot be. You become even more resourceful than ever and you try to figure out how you can be successful and happy with a non cooperative body.
I started working from home and at home. I dared to make my own handcrafted books without the support of a publisher or an agent. I honoured my gifts and I accepted I could not only interpret words as a translator, but I could also interpret the messages of Tarot cards and oracles. I acquired new skills, learn how to edit videos and I became a content creator on YouTube.
I won a scholarship at Business School in 2017 and I realized how I had hidden my talents and gifts and I learnt how to share my story and show my talents to the world. At least, I thought I knew how to do it. But what I learnt was not suitable for the place I live, it’s a different culture, people think differently and I keep having the feeling I was born in the wrong place and ahead of time.
I know, I know... Our soul is never wrong and we come to the perfect place in perfect time for our evolution. I know the theory.
A lot of people like what I do but they are not ready to pay for it. I must be attracting the wrong kind of people or I might not be able to attract the clients I need for my business.
Whatever it is, something is out of alignment and I haven’t found the way to fix it yet.
I’ve tried everything. I’ve jumped far away from my comfort zone. I’ve been the Phoenix so many times that I’ve started to feel extremely tired of doing over.
It’s November 2021 and the rent is being paid by my parents who are old enough to be taken care and not looking after a 57-year-old woman.
I should be happy and content, the place is comfortable and nice; and I am not homeless. It should be enough. Some days it is. I feel inspired and creative; I write books, posts and articles; I produce videos and share content on my main channel; I do free Tarot readings or share the daily guidance. Some other days it is not enough. I feel weak, tired, foggy, depleted, overwhelmed and lonely.
It’s hard to stay positive and keep spirits up when the fridge is empty, there is no toilet paper, there is no money coming and nobody seems to be interested in my books or services. A good meal would really help to regroup and find joy in sharing my talents for free.
Why do I keep writing these kind of posts if nobody is reading?
Because there is still hope. Because I no longer find suicide the easiest way out. Because I love my life and what I do. Because writing can be therapeutic. Because speaking to God in a loud voice or through my prayers does not seem to be enough and sharing my words out there is like shouting out to the universe that I do need help and I do not know how to make things better. Because the artist in me hopes to find a sponsor or a patron who would be willing to support my work and will give me the boost I need to come out of this dark hole.
I have to admit, I don’t like begging, I don’t enjoy asking for help. I’ve asked for help too often since 2020 and people around me are getting tired of it and they feel ashamed that I am not able to make money.
I am a Holistic Therapist and even though I can help other people find the missing pieces and understand the signs of the Universe, I don’t seem to be able to overcome this by myself.
I’ve tried meditation, affirmations, moving meditation, MIR method, sacred codes, Mantras, you name it.
Why do I feel lonely?
Because I can no longer talk about my feelings or the truth about my life with the people I love and who seem to love me. I make them feel frustrated, ashamed or even angry.
What’s my deepest wish?
I would love to be able to make a living with my books, my creative talents and my Tarot readings.
It would be awesome to live in abundance and not to worry about where money comes from and how I am going to pay the bills.
It would be great to have the freedom to choose what to eat and when; to go on holiday, to go out, to enjoy life, to travel on business and to have all my basic needs met (even the amount of water I need to drink every day).
Nobody is responsible for my wounds and my healing process. Nobody is responsible for my happiness or my welfare. Nobody but me.
Nevertheless, after being bullied and alienated most of my life, it would be great to know what it feels like to be celebrated and honoured for who I Am.
I visualize, I day dream, I work a lot with my shadow and my behaviour patterns. I do work a lot.
So, let’s play a game. When I wake up tomorrow, I will have healthy and delicious food, my bank account will be shining with prosperity and I will have so many orders to ship that I will need to hire an assistant; I will have so many sessions booked that people will have to be included on a waiting list and publishers will become interested in making profits with my books and decks of cards.
Let it be so.
So it is.
This is the vulnerable me. We should be allowed to talk about whatever it is wrong in our lives. Then, there wouldn’t be so many people feeling lonely, isolated, alienated and outcast.
If you’ve reached this far; thank you for reading with empathy, respect and compassion.
God bless you.
If you are able to spare a dollar and bless my journey with your kindness, please use this link.
Stay blessed.
Susannah Lorenzo
Vulnerable Susie
From the dark night of the Soul
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