Calling

I am calling All Angels, Mother Mercy, the Master of the Universe and Almighty God, if you are not going to make it happen, if you cannot help me to make things better, then just unplug me. I am too tired, stressed and pissed off.
I deserve the best and this long lesson is wearing me out.

This is taking too long and the desert is too large. Still without job, just surviving because of help and struggling all month to pay the rent. Living alone can be fun but we all need a hug from time to time.

Meditation and positive attitude are not always enough.

 

Help

It’s been a while since darkness started.  There were almost three months of starving in every possible sense and that narrowed my mind to the point I could only see death as the way out.

I knew I was wrong but I was done with praying and meditation and reality was devastating.  So I started to seek for help and guidance and that was a huge step to feel brave enough and trust people I did not even know.

A very kind and wise priest once told me: your lesson is to learn how to receive help and ask for it.  I have always enjoyed helping people in any possible way.   I enjoy giving, sharing and doing things for others.  But 

I always feel ashamed, embarrassed and not worthy if I have to ask for help.  I wish people just knew what I need and helped me without me asking.   Therefore, it is not until I am living in extreme discomfort, when I admit I have to ask for help if I want to find the way out.

It’s still difficult.  I am not homeless and I can eat properly once in a while, I do not have a proper job yet, just some teaching here and there.  I have been able to stay at home because I have accepted help from people I did not want to get help.  Although I would love to be able to make a living on my own, I’ve managed not to feel ashamed for receiving help.

Meanwhile, I’ve been working with some audios and mediation with light sounds and voices which have really helped to open all the shutters and doors which were blocking all the borders surrounding me.  Even if I may feel weak or rather negative when I cannot eat properly, I’ve started to feel stronger from inside, I feel brave, shiny, and capable of coping with everything, and I feel gifted and blessed.

I also realized that most doors were being closed because I did not want to work with my talents any more, I was not willing to share my gifts with the world outside.  I wanted a quick way out, just a normal job which could provide food, rent and meet my basic needs.  When I started working with my gifts and talents again (teaching and healing), some doors started to open. 

I have no idea what is going to happen now, I have no idea how I am going to survive but I feel thankful for all that I am learning.  I feel a lot older than last year, I mean I feel wiser but I do not want to sound boastful.

The Universe is there full of prosperity although it is not always granted as we would like it to be.  Sometimes, we have to accept what it is given to us until we are able to get it on our own.

I feel blessed and thankful for all the people I have met on the web, because they have guided me, they have sent light and good vibes and because they have prayed for me.  I feel honoured, because I was not able to pay for guidance, coaching or counselling, but there were generous and kind people willing to give some help. 

No matter if you prayed for me, you did some healing, you sent me a link to a helpful site, you wrote about some useful tool or if you wished me good, whatever you did was a blessed gift to me.

Thank you all.

NB: I am still working with Judi Satori’s audios and they are amazing.  I recommend the 9-day work with Lyra Council which I used for Easter time (I always pray and meditate a lot during Easter).  I’ve started with chakra dance today and this is the right tool for me too.  I really enjoy dancing while opening my heart and unveiling the hidden and sleeping parts in me.

Creep

It’s almost April.

I am not homeless, not because I have a job but because I have received help.

I have one private student and three-hour teaching (per week) at a college, some nursing school.  It means some change, but far from enough.

I’ve tried to focus on praying and meditation.  I’ve been working with my energies and my thoughts.  I haven’t been able to write much, I wonder if there are enough people who would be interested in reading what I write.

There are times when I almost forget how long it has been without making a living, without eating every day during a complete month, without going shopping, without a proper salary, without feeling proud of my skills and talents.

There are weeks when I can eat almost every day so I can resume going for a walk and doing some exercise.  Although after giving it some thought, I realize it is less than a week a month.  Nevertheless, even if they are only four days a month, I feel alive and I feel well so they count as weeks.  

But there are weeks when I feel so tired, helpless and hopeless and I can only see applications which have no reply, bills which are not paid, plans which I cannot make.  It is then and now when I only feel like going to bed and trying to find some peace during sleep.  Stress brings only nightmares and lack of energy and activity makes me feel like creep.

It feels like sitting in a waiting room at a madhouse or standing at the platform of a train station in a ghost town.

There are no keys, no clues.  There is no map, no compass.

It’s just hope and belief that life cannot be so unfair.  It’s the feeling that sooner or later miracles might happen.

I’ve kept a journal on Facebook and on my Blog, not because I want people to feel pity for me, just because it makes me feel less lonely.  Then if something very bad happens there will be no chance for misunderstandings, the people who really care will find the truth written there.

I have been able to keep internet working up to now.  Both my internet and mobile service are going to be disconnected as soon as the long holidays end.

May be it’s about time things go really bad or they get better for the good.

Susie in gray
March 31st- April 1st

Sadness

There are days when you are sad as soon as you wake up.  You don’t know why, but your limbs are weak and you cannot make it, you just want to go back to bed.  And when you go back to bed, you want to be in bed even in your dreams.

I have the right to be sad because I am so damn tired, because I have a cruel pain in my chest which will not die even after prayers and meditation.

There are days when you cannot focus on what you have because it is not enough.  You just feel bad because of the lack of so many things.  There are no more crackers for breakfast and that can make you cry.  You know that after struggling so hard you finally have hot and cold water again, you have 3 hours of teaching per week at a college and you were able to eat almost properly for about a week.  Nevertheless, everything hurts:  the lack of love, passion and tenderness; the empty wallet; applications with no reply; this hopeless reality and the inability to make a living.

Today I don’t feel like pretending. Although I know going for a walk and enjoying some light would be good for my health, I am afraid I might faint after the first five blocks.  I don’t want to look positive and happy in spite of everything.  I am not in the mood for waiting until the Universe finds the right option for me; it might be far too busy to take care of my needs.

I have been blessed and help has come at the very last minute so the rent has been paid for the last three months and I am not a homeless, technically.  But if you are not happy where you are, if you are not praised and respected for your work, if you cannot make a living, if you are all alone and there is no hug to comfort you, then, there is no home.

Susie
18th March, 2013