Falling to pieces at Xmas

When you feel you are finally getting out of the darkness or that even when you face dark moments, you can go beyond them and find peace and light in just being yourself, pain bounces back cracking the wound which you thought was already healing.  Here I am, once again falling to pieces.

Thoughts
It looks like if you grow too much, if you think too much, an army of ghostly bodies will try to empty your heart and mind until no traces are left of the original soul, which lives beyond your shadows.
From the book ‘Pieces’
Soledad Lorena

I’ve been busy building, designing, crossing, knitting and writing bridges.  I’ve been even helping people to work with their own bridges.

I’ve gone through a very deep and intense healing journey to bless all the wounds and to leave the past where it is.  Living in the moment, being present and trying not to worry about the future, has been my personal lesson this year.

But you know, every time there is a blast of anger, words and resentment; I realize my children still dwell in the past.  Their own wounds keep them broken, so broken and so damaged that they cannot but hurt other people and themselves.

For every bridge I have repaired and mended, they have grown so distant or maybe it’s me; walking into the light far away from remorse and guilt has kept me so distant from the people I love the most: my own children.

Their hearts are so close and full of anger and pain; they are so far away from God, their own soul and the Holy Spirit, that we do not talk the same language any more. The bonds and bridges among them are also broken and when crossed, they are only used for times of war.

As a mother, on this Holy day of Christmas, I ask myself: how can I be happy or even fill my heart with joy when my own children are so hurt and so broken that my heart is in pain?  Few friends know the story, the nest was destroyed too son, this family was broken long ago and since then, we have survived trying to do as if everything was ok, trying not to miss each other, trying not to ask for a moment of love and joy.

I know, if they are in their thirties I can do nothing but pray and let them live their choices.  If I get closer, toxic relations bring me down and seem to be useless because we live in different worlds and dimensions.  If I keep distance, then they can come shouting and swearing for whatever tiny thorn is bothering them.

My hands are tied and that makes me feel helpless and useless.  They do not want help; they do not even believe they need it.

When you are a single mother and you have raised them on your own, they tend to blame you for everything, it is not the missing parent who did nothing, but the mother who was always there making all the decisions and choices, for better or worse.

Coming to my place, spending a moment of peace, surrounded with good energies and beauty seems to stir their most negative emotions and behaviours.

For some reason, the lighter the place, the stronger I feel, the healthier my heart looks and the sole look of tended gardens and mended bridges; the deeper the darkness in them which comes out as poisonous words and aggressive manners.

I cannot dwell in the past any more, I no longer wallow in my wounds and I am not willing to wallow in their pain either.

It is said that when we become mothers pieces of our hearts live outside us, walking around and making us feel their paces, we breathe what they breathe and whatever hurts them hurts us the most.

A warrior of light learns to walk away from parents, brothers and friends;  a warrior of light feels at ease walking along the less travelled path, a warrior of light gives away her own colours to knit perfect wings for her children and remains empty and colourless for years, a warrior of light learns about loneliness and solitude;  a warrior of light has not country, town, home or even a planet.

But setting boundaries with your own children can be the most challenging lesson.

Let go.
Let God.
Only God knows.
Susannah
December 25th, 2017 

Sadness

There are days when you are sad as soon as you wake up.  You don’t know why, but your limbs are weak and you cannot make it, you just want to go back to bed.  And when you go back to bed, you want to be in bed even in your dreams.

I have the right to be sad because I am so damn tired, because I have a cruel pain in my chest which will not die even after prayers and meditation.

There are days when you cannot focus on what you have because it is not enough.  You just feel bad because of the lack of so many things.  There are no more crackers for breakfast and that can make you cry.  You know that after struggling so hard you finally have hot and cold water again, you have 3 hours of teaching per week at a college and you were able to eat almost properly for about a week.  Nevertheless, everything hurts:  the lack of love, passion and tenderness; the empty wallet; applications with no reply; this hopeless reality and the inability to make a living.

Today I don’t feel like pretending. Although I know going for a walk and enjoying some light would be good for my health, I am afraid I might faint after the first five blocks.  I don’t want to look positive and happy in spite of everything.  I am not in the mood for waiting until the Universe finds the right option for me; it might be far too busy to take care of my needs.

I have been blessed and help has come at the very last minute so the rent has been paid for the last three months and I am not a homeless, technically.  But if you are not happy where you are, if you are not praised and respected for your work, if you cannot make a living, if you are all alone and there is no hug to comfort you, then, there is no home.

Susie
18th March, 2013