Help

It’s been a while since darkness started.  There were almost three months of starving in every possible sense and that narrowed my mind to the point I could only see death as the way out.

I knew I was wrong but I was done with praying and meditation and reality was devastating.  So I started to seek for help and guidance and that was a huge step to feel brave enough and trust people I did not even know.

A very kind and wise priest once told me: your lesson is to learn how to receive help and ask for it.  I have always enjoyed helping people in any possible way.   I enjoy giving, sharing and doing things for others.  But 

I always feel ashamed, embarrassed and not worthy if I have to ask for help.  I wish people just knew what I need and helped me without me asking.   Therefore, it is not until I am living in extreme discomfort, when I admit I have to ask for help if I want to find the way out.

It’s still difficult.  I am not homeless and I can eat properly once in a while, I do not have a proper job yet, just some teaching here and there.  I have been able to stay at home because I have accepted help from people I did not want to get help.  Although I would love to be able to make a living on my own, I’ve managed not to feel ashamed for receiving help.

Meanwhile, I’ve been working with some audios and mediation with light sounds and voices which have really helped to open all the shutters and doors which were blocking all the borders surrounding me.  Even if I may feel weak or rather negative when I cannot eat properly, I’ve started to feel stronger from inside, I feel brave, shiny, and capable of coping with everything, and I feel gifted and blessed.

I also realized that most doors were being closed because I did not want to work with my talents any more, I was not willing to share my gifts with the world outside.  I wanted a quick way out, just a normal job which could provide food, rent and meet my basic needs.  When I started working with my gifts and talents again (teaching and healing), some doors started to open. 

I have no idea what is going to happen now, I have no idea how I am going to survive but I feel thankful for all that I am learning.  I feel a lot older than last year, I mean I feel wiser but I do not want to sound boastful.

The Universe is there full of prosperity although it is not always granted as we would like it to be.  Sometimes, we have to accept what it is given to us until we are able to get it on our own.

I feel blessed and thankful for all the people I have met on the web, because they have guided me, they have sent light and good vibes and because they have prayed for me.  I feel honoured, because I was not able to pay for guidance, coaching or counselling, but there were generous and kind people willing to give some help. 

No matter if you prayed for me, you did some healing, you sent me a link to a helpful site, you wrote about some useful tool or if you wished me good, whatever you did was a blessed gift to me.

Thank you all.

NB: I am still working with Judi Satori’s audios and they are amazing.  I recommend the 9-day work with Lyra Council which I used for Easter time (I always pray and meditate a lot during Easter).  I’ve started with chakra dance today and this is the right tool for me too.  I really enjoy dancing while opening my heart and unveiling the hidden and sleeping parts in me.

Sadness

There are days when you are sad as soon as you wake up.  You don’t know why, but your limbs are weak and you cannot make it, you just want to go back to bed.  And when you go back to bed, you want to be in bed even in your dreams.

I have the right to be sad because I am so damn tired, because I have a cruel pain in my chest which will not die even after prayers and meditation.

There are days when you cannot focus on what you have because it is not enough.  You just feel bad because of the lack of so many things.  There are no more crackers for breakfast and that can make you cry.  You know that after struggling so hard you finally have hot and cold water again, you have 3 hours of teaching per week at a college and you were able to eat almost properly for about a week.  Nevertheless, everything hurts:  the lack of love, passion and tenderness; the empty wallet; applications with no reply; this hopeless reality and the inability to make a living.

Today I don’t feel like pretending. Although I know going for a walk and enjoying some light would be good for my health, I am afraid I might faint after the first five blocks.  I don’t want to look positive and happy in spite of everything.  I am not in the mood for waiting until the Universe finds the right option for me; it might be far too busy to take care of my needs.

I have been blessed and help has come at the very last minute so the rent has been paid for the last three months and I am not a homeless, technically.  But if you are not happy where you are, if you are not praised and respected for your work, if you cannot make a living, if you are all alone and there is no hug to comfort you, then, there is no home.

Susie
18th March, 2013