Creep

It’s almost April.

I am not homeless, not because I have a job but because I have received help.

I have one private student and three-hour teaching (per week) at a college, some nursing school.  It means some change, but far from enough.

I’ve tried to focus on praying and meditation.  I’ve been working with my energies and my thoughts.  I haven’t been able to write much, I wonder if there are enough people who would be interested in reading what I write.

There are times when I almost forget how long it has been without making a living, without eating every day during a complete month, without going shopping, without a proper salary, without feeling proud of my skills and talents.

There are weeks when I can eat almost every day so I can resume going for a walk and doing some exercise.  Although after giving it some thought, I realize it is less than a week a month.  Nevertheless, even if they are only four days a month, I feel alive and I feel well so they count as weeks.  

But there are weeks when I feel so tired, helpless and hopeless and I can only see applications which have no reply, bills which are not paid, plans which I cannot make.  It is then and now when I only feel like going to bed and trying to find some peace during sleep.  Stress brings only nightmares and lack of energy and activity makes me feel like creep.

It feels like sitting in a waiting room at a madhouse or standing at the platform of a train station in a ghost town.

There are no keys, no clues.  There is no map, no compass.

It’s just hope and belief that life cannot be so unfair.  It’s the feeling that sooner or later miracles might happen.

I’ve kept a journal on Facebook and on my Blog, not because I want people to feel pity for me, just because it makes me feel less lonely.  Then if something very bad happens there will be no chance for misunderstandings, the people who really care will find the truth written there.

I have been able to keep internet working up to now.  Both my internet and mobile service are going to be disconnected as soon as the long holidays end.

May be it’s about time things go really bad or they get better for the good.

Susie in gray
March 31st- April 1st